Friday, September 30, 2005

Finding Nemo

He’s brown and furry and arrived at my feet attached to a leash and not a fishing pole, but I indeed found Nemo this morning.

I stepped out of my house this morning and spotted the little guy standing in the middle of the road. We stared at each other for several seconds, heads cocked at approximately the same angles of discernment – is that a friendly dog / is she a friendly human?

He took two steps toward me and stopped. I got down on a knee and he broke into a sprint toward me. He came to a halt at my feet and immediately plopped onto his back for a belly rub. I obliged.

The poor baby was dragging his leash behind him. Evidently, someone was walking the little guy when he made a break for it; or, someone tied his leash to something and it came loose; or, he clipped his own leash to his collar and used it to repel down the side of the house after cutting the window screen with a nail file cleverly baked into a doggie biscuit.

Either way, I was late to work this morning. I couldn’t just leave the little guy running around a neighborhood that sits perilously close to a busy feeder road.

I gave him a good rub down and checked his tags. Nemo. His name was Nemo. I whipped out my cell phone and called the number inscribed under his name. No answer. Well, I thought to myself, it is only 6:30 am, I’m sure his owner is asleep, unaware that Nemo is gallivanting about the neighborhood. I flipped past his rabies tag and scoped out the third tag hanging from his collar - a name of a vet clinic followed by a phone number. I dialed, and this time received a recording informing me that the office opened at 10 am. Clearly an “inside dog,” as he was well groomed, someone would be missing him soon, if they were not already. I left Nemo under the care of my mom and headed to work.

It was not until I arrived at my office that I realized what had been nagging me about those phone numbers. Something about them was familiar. I punched them into a phone location look-up web page and realized what it was - those numbers are listed in the New Orleans area. I had dialed that same area code to confirm our reservations at Emeril’s restaurant in New Orleans just this last July.

Nemo is a refugee.

I called the vet’s office again this morning and, to my surprise, got an answer. They are actually located in Metairie. I gave the girl on the other end of the line Nemo’s ID number, in the hopes that she had an alternate number, perhaps a cell phone, listed for him. No luck.

He could not have wandered off too far from home. I’m sure that someone in my neighborhood is housing some friend or relative forced to evacuate New Orleans earlier this month. My plan so far is to walk him around the neighborhood after work, in the hopes that someone will spot us and claim him. If that doesn’t work, I will begin printing up fliers – his image under the heading, “FINDING NEMO,” because I can be cheesy that way.

If we fail to find his owner, fear not, for Nemo will have a home. My mom has called me several times today commenting on what a cute little guy he is, and going on and on about what a sweet dog he is; even going so far as to say that she would keep him should no one claim him. She has already given me a shopping list of stuff to pick up for the pooch. Mom’s a sucker at heart.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Are Those...BALLS?!?

Driving. Commuting. On my way. What do mine eyes see before me but a retinal assault dangling below the bumper of the pickup truck ahead of me. Balls. Testicles. A beanbag. Bouncing with every bump, waving with every stop.

This is uncharted tawdry territory. At what point does a person say to themselves, “My vehicle could use a nutsack”? And just what are we, the innocents lucky enough to find ourselves being greeted by your gaudiness, supposed to infer from your odd choice of ornamentation? Your Ford came equipped with cojones? Your Chevy has a package? What does this mean?!?

I can see the scene unfolding in suburban driveways across America:

“Hey there, Richard…car trouble?”

“No, Peter, just hanging a set of rubber nuts on the ol’ Dodge…”

The other day I waved a ninety-pound stick of a woman perched behind the wheel of a gianormous diesel-engined Dodge dually pickup truck ahead of me. She waved her thanks and pulled out in front of me. And then I saw them waving at me, too - the bumper balls. Why, lady? Why? Were they yours once? Or perhaps those of an ex-husband? Did you get them in the divorce?

Hey, do you think I can get a vagina for my Escape?


Thursday, July 28, 2005

The Best Laid Plans of Dawgs and Zam...

...almost always go astray. Ok, so I'm no Robert Burns. I admit it.

*sigh*

Gretchen, we apologize. Actually, Zam should apologize. But, I am sorry, too.

We're changing the book list. Actually, ZAM is changing the book list.

Here's the deal: I finished reading Lost, and so, I queried, "Zam, which of the 4 books you picked shall we read next?" Her response was something to the effect of the fact that she no longer "liked" the remaining 3 choices she had made, and so, we started all over, searching for something, shall we say, "lighter"?

So, scrap that last list from the previous post. Here are the TWO books that Zam has now settled on. (And I will hold her to this, since my summer is drawing closer and closer to an end, and I still have to re-read my novels that I teach every year.)

1. The Rule of Four by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason
2. Running With Scissors: A Memoir by Augusten Burroughs

*whew*

There you have it. Sorry to make you have to run to the library AGAIN...

I'll be done with Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince tomorrow, I am sure. I just started today, and I am a good 200 pages into it. I am totally digging it. I cracked open the book to the first page of Chapter 1, and all I could think as I began to read was This is the chapter that Rowling has had planned out in her mind for the last 13 years...

That is amazing. I had wondered how in the world she could possibly have known for 13 years what would be happening in that first chapter, but after reading it, it all makes sense.

Brilliant. Bloody f-ing brilliant.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

It's Time for a GD Post

Freakin' A. This is ridiculous.

I cannot believe how long it has been since we posted here. It's insane.

Not to make excuses, but...at least I have an excuse. And, it's a good one. No, really. It is. Take my word for it. And if you don't believe me, ask Zam. She'll stick up for me on this one.

Anyway, let me update you, Gretchen (since you are probably the last person on the planet that still reads here), on some things that have been happening since I last posted.
  • School has ended and I am on vacation.
  • After 8 years, I am once again single--and slightly recovered from the devastation.
  • I now know all about the various controversies surrounding Shakespeare, as well as many techniques used by CSI's and forensic scientists (got A's in both classes--go me!).
  • I have a dark and lovely farmer tan, complete with hat line on the forehead, after 9 days of parking cars at the annual German Festival.
  • I have finally been able to sleep in every day this week because I have NO obligations from now until August.
And so, now what do I do with my time? Well, Zam and I have decided to start up the "Dawggone Long Distance Zamsterson Book Club." Or, as I like to call it, the DLDZBC. :) Anyway, basically, we decided that we would read the same books this summer so that we could not so much discuss the books, as much as basically read 'em and then say to each other, "So, what did you think?" And then reply, "I liked it." And hear in response, "Me, too."

And then, be done with it.

Ya know?

So, for those of you out there who would like to play along with the home version, here are the four books that the DLDZBC has chosen for the summer of 2005:
  1. Lost by Gregory Maguire
  2. One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez
  3. A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
  4. A Widow For One Year by John Irving
Of course, since Zam has dubbed me "Speed Reader," I shall be reading other books in between these four selections, not the least of which will be Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (my copy has been on pre-order through Powells.com since January).

I just finished reading Anyone You Want Me to Be: A True Story of Sex and Death on the Internet by John Douglas and Stephen Singular, and I am now currently reading Naked Prey by John Sanford, and awaiting the green light from Zam to begin reading Lost. So, there is still time for those of you who want to jump in on this to do so!

Hurry!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Here, I Sit

...listening to the new Spoon disc, and finding excuses not to do my Accounting homework. If it is true that desperate times call for desperate measures, the fact that I am actually posting here may be a testament to my lack of enthusiasm.

Is this anything? This Spoon disc, I mean. It’s the second go-‘round, and, while not objectionable, I have not decided whether there is enough substance here to claim that it is something; though, I am becoming partial to track # 3.

Here, I sit; book open, calculator at the ready, yet nary a calculation has been scratched from pencil to paper. But I did connect all of my doodads to the USB hub I picked up today. That’s something.

I really should do my work. I have five problems to do that will take a few hours and a dozen sheets of paper. Or, I could do my laundry instead. I have one more pair of underwear left before I will be down to THAT pair of underwear. You know the ones – we all have that one pair of last-resort panties that sit in the very bottom of the panty drawer.

And, my truck is in sad shape these days. I could go outside and wash the week-old trip to the beach off of it, and vacuum the sand out of my floor mats. I never let my truck get this scummy. I can’t stand a messy vehicle.

Or, I could sit here and do my homework, like I am supposed to be doing.

*sigh* We’ll, see...I’m not promising anything.

It’s something, I have decided. This Spoon disc, I mean.


Thursday, June 02, 2005

Two Smart Asses: Setting the Standard for New Lows

We suck.

There. I said it.

Gretchen, we have let you down. For this, I apologize. I cannot speak for Zam (who is FAR lamer than I), but I feel as if we have not kept you properly entertained.

We will do better.

We MUST do better.

There's No 'I' in "TEAM," But There is "Meat"

And also "mate," "tame," "eat," "ate," "met," "tea," "mat," "at," and "me."

By now you are probably asking yourself about a point. There is, in fact, no point in “team,” but there is a point in this blog…perhaps not in this particular post, but in this blog as a whole.

PDawg and I started this blog together because we crack each other up…and Gretchen; we crack Gretchen up, as well. Almost a year after the excitement of teaming up for this blog, we are sitting on only a handful of posts, the latest of which occurred over a month and a half ago.

We’re semi-creative people, dammit. We can do better.


Sunday, April 17, 2005

We gonna sip Bacardi...

Yes, I know I am pimping myself out right now, but I am going to say it:

Tomorrow is my birfday. Please don't sing.

Anyway, I am going to be officially old.

31.

*sigh*

I am now over 30. Whatever. I don't feel old. Hell, I have a hard time believing I am a grown-up. I am still amazed that they allow me to have charge of a classroom full of teenagers on a daily basis. I don't feel much more mature than they are on some days.

However, I will say that I do love what I do. And, although I don't get paid much, I come home from work most days, and I feel like I have done something worthwhile. I also usually have a MASSIVE tumor-like headache, but I still feel that I have done something that has made a difference in someone's life.

And that's a good thing.

So, here's to year #31.

Go me. It's my birfday.

;)